It's hardly ever easy. In fact, it's by far the hardest thing I've ever done. It's loud, it's messy, and there are lots of tears (some of those are even from the kids)!
I often find myself wondering what the heck I'm doing. Am I screwing up my kids? Am I feeding them healthy enough food? When is the last time I bathed them? Are we outside enough? Are we outside too much?
All these questions and no answers. I read blogs, articles, Facebook statuses and they ALL say something different. You can't get a straight answer for any parenting advice. It all contradicts each other. What's a mom to do?!?!
Our best. We have to trust that we were giving the ability to know what is best for our children. No two children are the same. There is no cookie cutter way to raise children. What works for me probably won't work for you. Don't get me wrong, it's nice to get advice. Sometimes that advice leads to new ideas on how to deal with whatever it is your child is going through.
We need to understand that we will never be the perfect parent. We will mess up. Our kids will miss up. That doesn't mean we failed. It means that we pick up and try again. We don't give up.
Being a mom is hard! But, I wouldn't change it for anything! Being a mom has been the best thing I've ever done.
For months after my mom died I had dreams about her. They all varied as far as where they took place and what we were doing but one thing was always the same, my mom wasn’t herself. She was distant, cold, and even mean sometimes. Anyone that knew my mom knows this wasn’t her. These dreams were disheartening, sad, and made me miss her so much more. I wanted to ask her a million questions. Like “why are you so far away?” “What did I do to make you mad at me?” In my dreams she never answered. She always just walked away.
I kept praying for God to give me a sign that my mom was ok. That she wasn’t really far away, cold and mad. That she was close and happy. It took months. I had lost my faith that the sign I so desperately sought wasn’t going to come. I told God “I have faith in You. That is all I need” Weeks went by and I had made my peace with not having answers yet. I knew that when the time was right God would show me what I needed. Then one night it came. I had the “I’m okay” dream.
The dream starts at mom’s shop. She is doing what she loves, fixing someone’s hair. She’s herself. She’s happy, laughing, and glad that I came by. I ask her if she can talk. I have a ton of questions. She stops for a second, looks at me and smiles. She tells me “I would love to, just not right now. I’m busy making something for you. But soon.”
In my heart I know this means mom is up in Heaven helping prepare my place for me. Her and her parents are together again and one day I will be with them. This hasn’t made me miss her any less. This hasn’t made my tears stop coming. But, I find joy in the fact I will be with her again. I will get to hug her. I will get to laugh and joke with her.
I haven’t had anymore dreams about my mom since that night. I know she is busy. She will visit when she can. I still get to see her on a daily basis though. I see her in my boys, in the little things I have around my house that were hers. I even seeher shining through me from time to time. Especially when I tell me boys “wait till your dad gets home!” 😁
There isn’t a day that goes by I don’t think of her. I don’t wish for just one more day. I must keep reminding myself that I will have the rest of eternity with her. I just need to keep my faith.
Trust can be a hard thing to do. Yet we display trust everyday. We trust that our lights turn on when we flip the switch. We trust that our water comes on when we shower. We trust other drivers not to hit us when we drive our kids to school or go to work. We trust the restaurant not to make us sick at lunch. We trust our friends to like our Facebook posts. These all seem like little things. Thing we do daily. They’ve never failed or failed so rarely it’s not noticed.
If we can trust all those things to be there for us, to do their job why can’t we trust God? Why are we scared to trust Him to do His job? Why are we so fearful to trust Him to lead us where we need to be? Whether it’s a job, a house, a mate or even a doctor when we are sick. Why? We trust these little things everyday that have and will fail. God is perfect. He doesn’t fail. He doesn’t just work when we paid our bills (lights, water, internet). He doesn’t just work when we are the only car on the road to get us from a to b safely. He works 100% of the time.
When we trust Him, have a relationship with Him, He is never failing. Time and time again in my adult life, since truly following Him, He has proven to me He is faithful.
Does this mean my life has been perfect. HA, No! But, I know that God will get me through whatever it is I’m going through. Whether it was when we had a one year old and Micah lost his job. Or when we had to sell our 1200 square foot home and live in a 540 square foot apartment (with a 4 year old), or when I had, not one, but two deadly diseases at once, or when my mom died and my world came crashing down. There was always One that was there.
We have to trust His word. We need to learn to put as much faith in Him as we do our lights, our water and other drivers. Why is it so easy to put our trust in worldly, faultful things, but not a perfect, faultless, God?
I used to look forward to Mother’s Day. A day to really show my mom how much she means to me. Looking back I could have done so much more. I thought I had more Mother’s Days to celebrate with her.
It sounds a bit cliche but we really don’t know how much time someone has left. We think we have all the time left with them. We don’t. I saw my mom about 12 hours before she died. Expecting to see her that evening. We had plans, we had a whole weekend planned out. I planned on having lots more holidays with her. To have plenty of other Mother’s Days to try and even scratch the surface in showing her my thanks for her love.
Don’t take the time with your loved ones for granted. It really can change in the blink of an eye.
My world changed so fast. With no warning. With no signs that anything was wrong. Hold tight to those precious moments with loved ones.
I can only pray that my mom died knowing how much she meant to all of us. How much we love her.
Week two of writing and already almost missed a week. Sheesh. It’s been a busy week though so I’ve had a lot on my mind.
My sister-in-law and I hosted a baby shower for our other sister-in-law yesterday so my week was packed with prepping. It was such a fun shower and I had such a great time hosting along side my sis!
I also had somethings weighing on my mind though. I have these times in my life I wonder if I’m where God wants and needs me to be. I’m wondering if I can do more to be the person He made me to be. I know that I am not perfect and I will always fall short but I do want to live a more Christ-like life. I want others to see His light shine through me.
While going through these thoughts and thinking about how God can use me I decided that it was time for a life change. I’ve been selling Avon for over 6 years now and have decided to step away from it. I really got into because my mom needed someone to sell to the ladies that came in her beauty shop. After she died I really thought I’d be okay with still delivering product and books to the shop. It wasn’t. And it wasn’t getting any easier. I had also lost about 80% of my customers because they too could not bring themselves to go back to the shop.
I will be doing another direct sales business in the beginning of May. I have already chosen what I’m doing and it’s with a company I believe in. I really believe this is what God wants for me in this stage of my life. It’s going to be a great way to meet all kinds of new people and let my light for Him shine bright.
I believe that we all have a purpose on this earth. We all play a part. We all need to make sure we play our part to the best of our ability. We also must remember who is the Author of this life and who has given us purpose. Living for Him has been the best thing I’ve ever done. Without Him everything I have now I wouldn’t have. It’s only because I chose to listen, obey and folllow God that I have the many blessing that I do.
There is a series on Netflix called 13 Reasons. It was a very hard show to watch but I had a friend commit suicide last year and wanted to see how they depicted it. I guess I was hoping for a little insight.
I wondered if Gregg had something happen that made him think life wasn’t worth it. But, I think his case was more like the character Hannah in the show. It was lots of different things. He felt that whatever it was he was going through he had no one to turn to. The character Hannah was the same way. She was mocked for things taken out of context and friends turning their backs on her. I won’t go into detail because I don’t want to spoil it for anyone wanting to watch it.
I think this show also shows what the survivors go through. They wonder if there was more they could have done. Was there something they did they shouldn’t have? Was there a missed opportunity to reach out? I’ve had those questions and much more since losing Gregg. I wondered if I would have just texted or called when I thought about just the week before he died if it would have resulted in a different out come. There would be two little kids that still have their dad, four sisters that still had their only brother, parents that didn’t have to lose their child.
I also think this show points out that if it is on someone’s mind to end their life they will do it no matter what. They feel like their loved ones are better off without them. They feel like they are a burden when others ask how they are. I will tell you this, if others are asking about your wellbeing it’s because they really care.
Taking your own life is not the way out. You create more heartache than you will ever know. Please ask for help. Please reach out to a friend, family member, pastor or call a suicide hotline. But please, don’t put your loved ones through it. Your life is worth more than that. I promise.
13reasonwhy.info has help in your area, please don’t be afraid to ask for it.
I have the urge to write. I need to write but haven’t a clue what I feel I need to write about. Seems like every time I pick up my phone to begin writing it always endsup being about my mom. I don’t want people to think I’m stuck. I am moving forward, slowly but I do feel like I’m learning to cope better. We all expect to lose our parents. But we don’t expect to lose them when they are only 62.
See, there I go again. I don’t want others to throw me a pity party, I do that without help. I don’t want everyone to be sad for me, I’m sad enough. I need you to be sad for you. If you knew my mom I want you to miss her for you. We all have our own memories of her, our own relationship with her. We all also grieve differently and at different times.
Ok. Back to “what to write about?” I would like to write more often but I don’t want to write about the same thing all the time. But, sometimes I need to get it out. Whether I’ve seen a post going around Facebook I feel I need to address, or to talk about my Jesus and His amazing love or to simply get my sorrow of missing my mom out into words. So I think I want to try something different. What if I make a weekly blog of life? Of my life? What was new. What made me mad. What made me smile. Things like that. Would anyone care? I mean, really. I’m not looking for extra attention but who would I be writing for? Me! So why do I care if you read this? What if you’re going through something too? What if you need to know that it’s okay to pissed at the lady that has 25 items instead of 20 in the express line when you have 2 and need to get out because your two year old is “so hungry” and poopy and you can’t remember the last time you, yourself used the bathroom! Yeah, that’s happened.
So, I’m going to try it. I’m going to try my hand at a weekly “hodgepodge” blog. I’ve tried other subjects before and didn’t do so well. So, this time I’m going to give it a little more thought.
I feel like God has been leading me to this since losing my mom. To show others that it’s okay to have good days and it’s okay to have bad ones. Whether you’re grieving or not.
I hope you feel lead to join me on my journey of motherhood, being a wife, a Christian and a grieving daughter. Life isn’t easy. But, we can get through it with friends, family and framily (friends that are like family) by our side, or in front of us clearing our path or behind us, pushing us along. We don’t have to do life alone.
Enjoy life. It’s short. Leave good memories for those that we will leave behind.