Trust

Trust can be a hard thing to do. Yet we display trust everyday. We trust that our lights turn on when we flip the switch. We trust that our water comes on when we shower. We trust other drivers not to hit us when we drive our kids to school or go to work. We trust the restaurant not to make us sick at lunch. We trust our friends to like our Facebook posts. These all seem like little things. Thing we do daily. They’ve never failed or failed so rarely it’s not noticed. 

If we can trust all those things to be there for us, to do their job why can’t we trust God? Why are we scared to trust Him to do His job? Why are we so fearful to trust Him to lead us where we need to be? Whether it’s a job, a house, a mate or even a doctor when we are sick. Why? We trust these little things everyday that have and will fail. God is perfect. He doesn’t fail. He doesn’t just work when we paid our bills (lights, water, internet). He doesn’t just work when we are the only car on the road to get us from a to b safely. He works 100% of the time. 

When we trust Him, have a relationship with Him, He is never failing. Time and time again in my adult life, since truly following Him, He has proven to me He is faithful. 

Does this mean my life has been perfect. HA, No! But, I know that God will get me through whatever it is I’m going through. Whether it was when we had a one year old and Micah lost his job. Or when we had to sell our 1200 square foot home and live in a 540 square foot apartment (with a 4 year old), or when I had, not one, but two deadly diseases at once, or when my mom died and my world came crashing down. There was always One that was there. 

We have to trust His word. We need to learn to put as much faith in Him as we do our lights, our water and other drivers. Why is it so easy to put our trust in worldly, faultful things, but not a perfect, faultless, God? 

Mother’s Day

I used to look forward to Mother’s Day. A day to really show my mom how much she means to me. Looking back I could have done so much more. I thought I had more Mother’s Days to celebrate with her.  

It sounds a bit cliche but we really don’t know how much time someone has left. We think we have all the time left with them. We don’t. I saw my mom about 12 hours before she died. Expecting to see her that evening. We had plans, we had a whole weekend planned out. I planned on having lots more holidays with her. To have plenty of other Mother’s Days to try and even scratch the surface in showing her my thanks for her love. 

Don’t take the time with your loved ones for granted. It really can change in the blink of an eye. 

My world changed so fast. With no warning. With no signs that anything was wrong. Hold tight to those precious moments with loved ones. 

I can only pray that my mom died knowing how much she meant to all of us. How much we love her. 

Better late than never

Week two of writing and already almost missed a week. Sheesh. It’s been a busy week though so I’ve had a lot on my mind. 

My sister-in-law and I hosted a baby shower for our other sister-in-law yesterday so my week was packed with prepping. It was such a fun shower and I had such a great time hosting along side my sis! 

I also had somethings weighing on my mind though. I have these times in my life I wonder if I’m where God wants and needs me to be. I’m wondering if I can do more to be the person He made me to be. I know that I am not perfect and I will always fall short but I do want to live a more Christ-like life. I want others to see His light shine through me. 

While going through these thoughts and thinking about how God can use me I decided that it was time for a life change. I’ve been selling Avon for over 6 years now and have decided to step away from it. I really got into because my mom needed someone to sell to the ladies that came in her beauty shop. After she died I really thought I’d be okay with still delivering product and books to the shop. It wasn’t. And it wasn’t getting any easier. I had also lost about 80% of my customers because they too could not bring themselves to go back to the shop. 

I will be doing another direct sales business in the beginning of May. I have already chosen what I’m doing and it’s with a company I believe in. I really believe this is what God wants for me in this stage of my life. It’s going to be a great way to meet all kinds of new people and let my light for Him shine bright. 

I believe that we all have a purpose on this earth. We all play a part. We all need to make sure we play our part to the best of our ability. We also must remember who is the Author of this life and who has given us purpose. Living for Him has been the best thing I’ve ever done. Without Him everything I have now I wouldn’t have. It’s only because I chose to listen, obey and folllow God that I have the many blessing that I do. 

13 Reasons

There is a series on Netflix called 13 Reasons. It was a very hard show to watch but I had a friend commit suicide last year and wanted to see how they depicted it. I guess I was hoping for a little insight. 

I wondered if Gregg had something happen that made him think life wasn’t worth it. But, I think his case was more like the character Hannah in the show. It was lots of different things. He felt that whatever it was he was going through he had no one to turn to. The character Hannah was the same way. She was mocked for things taken out of context and friends turning their backs on her. I won’t go into detail because I don’t want to spoil it for anyone wanting to watch it. 

I think this show also shows what the survivors go through. They wonder if there was more they could have done. Was there something they did they shouldn’t have? Was there a missed opportunity to reach out? I’ve had those questions and much more since losing Gregg. I wondered if I would have just texted or called when I thought about just the week before he died if it would have resulted in a different out come. There would be two little kids that still have their dad, four sisters that still had their only brother, parents that didn’t have to lose their child. 

I also think this show points out that if it is on someone’s mind to end their life they will do it no matter what. They feel like their loved ones are better off without them. They feel like they are a burden when others ask how they are. I will tell you this, if others are asking about your wellbeing it’s because they really care. 

Taking your own life is not the way out. You create more heartache than you will ever know. Please ask for help. Please reach out to a friend, family member, pastor or call a suicide hotline. But please, don’t put your loved ones through it. Your life is worth more than that. I promise. 

13reasonwhy.info has help in your area, please don’t be afraid to ask for it. 

Don’t Mind Me


I have the urge to write. I need to write but haven’t a clue what I feel I need to write about. Seems like every time I pick up my phone to begin writing it always endsup being about my mom. I don’t want people to think I’m stuck. I am moving forward, slowly but I do feel like I’m learning to cope better. We all expect to lose our parents. But we don’t expect to lose them when they are only 62. 

See, there I go again.  I don’t want others to throw me a pity party, I do that without help. I don’t want everyone to be sad for me, I’m sad enough. I need you to be sad for you. If you knew my mom I want you to miss her for you. We all have our own memories of her, our own relationship with her. We all also grieve differently and at different times. 

Ok. Back to “what to write about?” I would like to write more often but I don’t want to write about the same thing all the time. But, sometimes I need to get it out. Whether I’ve seen a post going around Facebook I feel I need to address, or to talk about my Jesus and His amazing love or to simply get my sorrow of missing my mom out into words. So I think I want to try something different. What if I make a weekly blog of life? Of my life? What was new. What made me mad. What made me smile. Things like that. Would anyone care? I mean, really. I’m not looking for extra attention but who would I be writing for? Me! So why do I care if you read this? What if you’re going through something too? What if you need to know that it’s okay to pissed at the lady that has 25 items instead of 20 in the express line when you have 2 and need to get out because your two year old is “so hungry” and poopy and you can’t remember the last time you, yourself used the bathroom! Yeah, that’s happened. 

So, I’m going to try it. I’m going to try my hand at a weekly “hodgepodge” blog. I’ve tried other subjects before and didn’t do so well. So, this time I’m going to give it a little more thought. 

I feel like God has been leading me to this since losing my mom. To show others that it’s okay to have good days and it’s okay to have bad ones. Whether you’re grieving or not. 

I hope you feel lead to join me on my journey of motherhood, being a wife, a Christian and a grieving daughter. Life isn’t easy. But, we can get through it with friends, family and framily (friends that are like family) by our side, or in front of us clearing our path or behind us, pushing us along. We don’t have to do life alone. 

Enjoy life. It’s short. Leave good memories for those that we will leave behind. 

Lemons and Lemonade

Dear 2016, we started out pretty good. I got my very first brand new appliance (hello adulthood!) in January when my dishwasher went out. February, March and April were pretty normal and in May Nathan finished the 1st grade. He learned how to read and hasn’t slowed down! He loves it. 

At the end of May we went to Flippin, AR with the whole Choquette clan for a week long fishing trip, a day at Sliver Dollar City and on the way home we went to the drive thru petting zoo in Gentry. 

In June Nathan turned 7 and I turned 34! We had a party for Nathan and micah took me out later for a birthday date. 

In July we went to Chicago and spent the 3rd at Grams house for some much needed family time with, almost, all the Hibberd’s. We spent some time in downtown, showing the boys all the best sites. And of course we had Portillo’s and PIZZA! 

In August Micah and I celebrated our 12th wedding anniversary and Micah’s 33rd birthday. 

September 9, 2016 changed my entire life. I got a phone call from dad at 6:37 am saying he was at my door and needed to talk to me about mom. I had no idea what it could be. I don’t remember much else, like how I got to the front door and opened it and ended up sitting on the couch crying and telling my dad no, that he was wrong. My mom could not be gone. I had just seen her the day before, she cut Reed’s hair, we were planning our weekend with Aunt Joy. Over the next several days people had reached out and showed their kindness and love for my mom and our family. 

October was our first big thing without mom. Reed turned two. We had a party here for him. It was book themed because he loves reading! Everyone brought a book with a message inside for him. He had a blast and I was able to make it through. 

November and December continued to be rough, Thanksgiving and Christmas have been hard. I love spending time with my family but I can’t seem to forget about that emptiness I feel. 

I have faith that God is keeping me afloat. God is holding me through all this and will keep holding me and making me strong. I have an amazing support system with friends and family. I have felt so much love over these past several months. I have learned what it means to cherish people and moments rather than things. 

My relationships with my dad and brother have deepened, I’ve grown closer to my Aunt Joy and Aunt Karen. I have learned that the events that I put together are not made perfect by the food, decor or gifts. The events are made perfect by the people that we surround ourselves with. 

2016 gave me lemons, more lemons than I know what to do with. I know God will show me how to take those lemons and use them for good, show me how to make some lemonade. What devil meant to hurt me, to break me down, God will turn around. He is helping me become stronger everyday. 

FAQ

It’s been just over six weeks since I lost my mom. Things are getting tougher as the holidays approach and everyone I run into around town seem to ask the same questions. I feel blessed to have so many people that want to make sure I know I can lean on them. So many people that care about how I’m doing. Sometimes it’s overwhelming. Sometimes I just want to act like there should be nothing wrong. Sometimes I want everyone around me to know I’m hurting.

My pride gets in my way. I always say “I’m fine” “getting through it” “taking a day at a time” but really what I want to do is say “how do you think I’m feeling? I lost my mom suddenly. I feel like crawling in a hole and never coming out. I want to scream at the top of lungs and ask why!”.

People act afraid to bring up the subject of my mom. But I want to talk about her. Even if it makes me cry. I want to hear everyone’s stories. Even if it makes you cry. Let’s cry together. I want to keep her memory alive, not just for me but for my boys. She loved my kids and I want them to remember that.

Sometimes I just need someone to listen. Even if you don’t have any answers for me. Even if all you do is hold my hand or hug me. Sometimes I don’t know what to say. Sometimes I just need to cry. Even if I have a hard time making the tears come because I’m holding them back. 

I know I look like I’m doing ok, holding it together. On the inside I’m a mess. There isn’t one second of the day I don’t think of my mom. Before I could always think of an excuse to “need” to text her when I wanted to talk to her but now I can’t even do that. Sometimes the things I “needed” her for I really could have just Googled. But Google doesn’t give advice with the same love as a mom. 

I don’t need you to tell me the first year is the hardest, next year will be easier. Wrong. Every year will be hard. Every year we have birthdays, holidays, anniversaries and she won’t be there. Sure, we learn to cope and we may not cry as often but it doesn’t make the pain any less. 

Finally, don’t judge me. It may take me years to learn to cope. It may look like some days I act like nothing is different. We all cope and heal differently. I lost more than a mom. I lost a friend, confidante, mentor and, as silly as it sounds, a hairstylist. She gave me more than motherly advice. She sometimes just gave me a listening ear. Even if she didn’t know how to help she knew how to listen. 

My mom was a terrific person. She loved with her whole being. Nothing will ever fill that void.