#MomLife

Motherhood is not all rainbows and cupcakes. It’s a lot of tears, puke, snot and poop. Why do we do this? Why do we want to have these little humans around us. All they do is make us want to pull our hair out, scream, run away from home or eat our weight in chocolate, every, single, DAY!

But then, of course I’ve never felt the love I have for my children. My boys give me reason to get out of bed everyday. They make me want to be a better person.

My house is always a mess, dishes are never done and laundry is always piled high. But we keep on keeping on.

I yell, I cry, I want to run away. But then this happens. One of boys is watching Netflix and it comes to a scary (for them) part and they curl up next to me. The little one grabs my shirt or my hair. Holds it tight has he sucks his thumb. The big one will grab my hand and hold tight. They need me. They feel safe.

I don’t feel like I’m a good mom. I lose my temper. I let them have peanut butter crackers for lunch, pancakes for dinner. But, they are safe from the scary things on tv. (And by scary I mean the Burgens on the movie Trolls).

I still haven’t figured out why we chose to have children, but when I hear “I love you mom” from their sweet little voices I know it was the right choice.

God gave me these blessings and I need to remember Who they really belong to. He has shown me His unconditional love through the love I have for my boys. If I, an imperfect human, can love that much, just imagine how much The Perfect One loves us.

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Life and death

Twenty-seven years ago today was my first real experience with the death of a family member. Sure, I’d lost some great-grandparent but don’t remember them, at all. My Grandpa was in and out of the hospital for the better part of a year. He’d had heart problems that kept him sick. He was my best bud at the time and I remember being mad, not really sad, when he died. I was eight, I didn’t really understand. Death was not really talked about in our house.

Over the past 27 years I’ve lost others in my life, friends and family alike. The manner of death ranges from accidental (car wrecks), natural causes (sickness, old age) and even two suicides. With each death there is a different set of emotions. A new form a grief. A whole slew of questions, especially when some one dies too young.

Twenty-five, and some change, years after losing my Grandpa I learned more about grief than I ever thought possible. I learned that there is a reason I feel sad, mad, confused and so much more when we lose someone. We grieve because we loved, were loved, and continue to love.

When I lost my mom I had more emotions than I’ve ever had at once. It was so confusing. Not just the sudden lose but the ball of tangled emotions.

I think that I felt those 27 years ago when I lost my grandpa but didn’t know what to do with them. Didn’t know how to process grief so I ignored it. And at 8 that’s ok. I wasn’t damaged by his death. I just loved him and loved getting to spend time with my buddy for 8 years. When I lost my grandma almost 4 years ago I was older, understood more but still was hurt. Even though she lived a long life and was sick it still hurt, I was still confused.

As I said earlier, I’ve lost a lot of people in 27 years. No loss was easier than any others. They all taught me something. I learned something about death, and Life, with each new passing. I learned that God is in control. He doesn’t kill, He doesn’t take, He doesn’t destroy. He does, however, welcome with open arms. I learned that He died so we don’t have to. We die here on earth, He’s not the King of the earth, but, we don’t die spiritually. In fact, I learned, through Grief Share, that when we die and go to Heaven we are more alive than we’ve ever been.

I think the devil tries to take away our faith when he takes our loved ones. He hopes we blame God. Even though my faith did waiver a little when I lost my mom I quickly found it. I realized that my faith in Jesus and his promise of eternal life would be the only thing that kept me going. God held my head up when I couldn’t find the strength. He held my hand when I walked into the chapel for the funerals of my loved ones.

God never leaves us, we are the ones that walk away from Him. I’ve done it, but he’s alway there, with open arms, welcoming me home. His comfort is always there. It was there when I was 8, and every other age I’ve been when I’ve lost someone.

Twenty-seven years is along time to grieve. Thankfully, I haven’t grieved the whole time. Sure, I miss my grandpa, wish he could have been there for my 8th grade graduation, my prom, my high school graduation, my wedding and the birth of my boys. Man, he would have loved Micah and my boys. I believe that even though they didn’t meet here on earth Grandpa is looking down on me and is proud of me.

I thank God for all the relationships I’ve had over the years, no matter how they ended. I thank Him that I will see my grandparents, cousin, friends and Mom again. They are never far from me.

Nitty Gritty of Motherhood

It's hardly ever easy. In fact, it's by far the hardest thing I've ever done. It's loud, it's messy, and there are lots of tears (some of those are even from the kids)!
I often find myself wondering what the heck I'm doing. Am I screwing up my kids? Am I feeding them healthy enough food? When is the last time I bathed them? Are we outside enough? Are we outside too much?
All these questions and no answers. I read blogs, articles, Facebook statuses and they ALL say something different. You can't get a straight answer for any parenting advice. It all contradicts each other. What's a mom to do?!?!
Our best. We have to trust that we were giving the ability to know what is best for our children. No two children are the same. There is no cookie cutter way to raise children. What works for me probably won't work for you. Don't get me wrong, it's nice to get advice. Sometimes that advice leads to new ideas on how to deal with whatever it is your child is going through.
We need to understand that we will never be the perfect parent. We will mess up. Our kids will miss up. That doesn't mean we failed. It means that we pick up and try again. We don't give up.
Being a mom is hard! But, I wouldn't change it for anything! Being a mom has been the best thing I've ever done.

Dreams

For months after my mom died I had dreams about her. They all varied as far as where they took place and what we were doing but one thing was always the same, my mom wasn’t herself. She was distant, cold, and even mean sometimes. Anyone that knew my mom knows this wasn’t her. These dreams were disheartening, sad, and made me miss her so much more. I wanted to ask her a million questions. Like “why are you so far away?” “What did I do to make you mad at me?” In my dreams she never answered. She always just walked away. 

I kept praying for God to give me a sign that my mom was ok. That she wasn’t really far away, cold and mad. That she was close and happy. It took months. I had lost my faith that the sign I so desperately sought wasn’t going to come. I told God “I have faith in You. That is all I need” Weeks went by and I had made my peace with not having answers yet. I knew that when the time was right God would show me what I needed. Then one night it came. I had the “I’m okay” dream. 

The dream starts at mom’s shop. She is doing what she loves, fixing someone’s hair. She’s herself. She’s happy, laughing, and glad that I came by. I ask her if she can talk. I have a ton of questions. She stops for a second, looks at me and smiles. She tells me “I would love to, just not right now. I’m busy making something for you. But soon.” 

In my heart I know this means mom is up in Heaven helping prepare my place for me. Her and her parents are together again and one day I will be with them. This hasn’t made me miss her any less. This hasn’t made my tears stop coming. But, I find joy in the fact I will be with her again. I will get to hug her. I will get to laugh and joke with her. 

I haven’t had anymore dreams about my mom since that night. I know she is busy. She will visit when she can. I still get to see her on a daily basis though. I see her in my boys, in the little things I have around my house that were hers. I even seeher shining   through me from time to time. Especially when I tell me boys “wait till your dad gets home!” 😁 

There isn’t a day that goes by I don’t think of her. I don’t wish for just one more day. I must keep reminding myself that I will have the rest of eternity with her. I just need to keep my faith. 

Trust

Trust can be a hard thing to do. Yet we display trust everyday. We trust that our lights turn on when we flip the switch. We trust that our water comes on when we shower. We trust other drivers not to hit us when we drive our kids to school or go to work. We trust the restaurant not to make us sick at lunch. We trust our friends to like our Facebook posts. These all seem like little things. Thing we do daily. They’ve never failed or failed so rarely it’s not noticed. 

If we can trust all those things to be there for us, to do their job why can’t we trust God? Why are we scared to trust Him to do His job? Why are we so fearful to trust Him to lead us where we need to be? Whether it’s a job, a house, a mate or even a doctor when we are sick. Why? We trust these little things everyday that have and will fail. God is perfect. He doesn’t fail. He doesn’t just work when we paid our bills (lights, water, internet). He doesn’t just work when we are the only car on the road to get us from a to b safely. He works 100% of the time. 

When we trust Him, have a relationship with Him, He is never failing. Time and time again in my adult life, since truly following Him, He has proven to me He is faithful. 

Does this mean my life has been perfect. HA, No! But, I know that God will get me through whatever it is I’m going through. Whether it was when we had a one year old and Micah lost his job. Or when we had to sell our 1200 square foot home and live in a 540 square foot apartment (with a 4 year old), or when I had, not one, but two deadly diseases at once, or when my mom died and my world came crashing down. There was always One that was there. 

We have to trust His word. We need to learn to put as much faith in Him as we do our lights, our water and other drivers. Why is it so easy to put our trust in worldly, faultful things, but not a perfect, faultless, God? 

Mother’s Day

I used to look forward to Mother’s Day. A day to really show my mom how much she means to me. Looking back I could have done so much more. I thought I had more Mother’s Days to celebrate with her.  

It sounds a bit cliche but we really don’t know how much time someone has left. We think we have all the time left with them. We don’t. I saw my mom about 12 hours before she died. Expecting to see her that evening. We had plans, we had a whole weekend planned out. I planned on having lots more holidays with her. To have plenty of other Mother’s Days to try and even scratch the surface in showing her my thanks for her love. 

Don’t take the time with your loved ones for granted. It really can change in the blink of an eye. 

My world changed so fast. With no warning. With no signs that anything was wrong. Hold tight to those precious moments with loved ones. 

I can only pray that my mom died knowing how much she meant to all of us. How much we love her. 

Better late than never

Week two of writing and already almost missed a week. Sheesh. It’s been a busy week though so I’ve had a lot on my mind. 

My sister-in-law and I hosted a baby shower for our other sister-in-law yesterday so my week was packed with prepping. It was such a fun shower and I had such a great time hosting along side my sis! 

I also had somethings weighing on my mind though. I have these times in my life I wonder if I’m where God wants and needs me to be. I’m wondering if I can do more to be the person He made me to be. I know that I am not perfect and I will always fall short but I do want to live a more Christ-like life. I want others to see His light shine through me. 

While going through these thoughts and thinking about how God can use me I decided that it was time for a life change. I’ve been selling Avon for over 6 years now and have decided to step away from it. I really got into because my mom needed someone to sell to the ladies that came in her beauty shop. After she died I really thought I’d be okay with still delivering product and books to the shop. It wasn’t. And it wasn’t getting any easier. I had also lost about 80% of my customers because they too could not bring themselves to go back to the shop. 

I will be doing another direct sales business in the beginning of May. I have already chosen what I’m doing and it’s with a company I believe in. I really believe this is what God wants for me in this stage of my life. It’s going to be a great way to meet all kinds of new people and let my light for Him shine bright. 

I believe that we all have a purpose on this earth. We all play a part. We all need to make sure we play our part to the best of our ability. We also must remember who is the Author of this life and who has given us purpose. Living for Him has been the best thing I’ve ever done. Without Him everything I have now I wouldn’t have. It’s only because I chose to listen, obey and folllow God that I have the many blessing that I do.